Things a Man MUST Do Before the Age of 30!

Eat a super-sized Mexican meal in an airport food court—black beans, saffron rice, dollop of sour cream, pineapple-flavored soda—just before smuggling 40 wax-coated balls of hashish in your tummy on that 22 hour trip to Bangladesh.

Insist on a raise. And then a job.

Show up at your high school principal’s retirement condo and pinch a loaf in front of his doorway because it’s “Spring Prank Time.”

Adopt a homeless drifter and dress him as Radar from the syndicated situation comedy M*A*S*H

Nickname your testicles “Tweedledee” and “Tweedledum”

Squirt milk into the mouths of a waiting row of feral barn cats

Skip through your workplace hallway, dropping strategically placed daisies. Then explain to your fellow cops why it’s “necessary.”

Attend a biker’s convention and tickle the shy one with the swastika forehead tattoo

Watch two very old bonobos rut before a beautiful sunset

Get a whimsical haircut like Moe from the Three Stooges

Crank call Phil Collins

Pay for a foxy lady’s drink in dimes

Break into Howie Mandel’s house and open a cozy B&B, complete with free “fluffy mornin’ biscuits”

Skip along the North Korean DMZ zone playing a penny whistle

Purchase a used copy of Beer Pong For Dummies

Speak live before the United Nations about your belt-buckle collection

Sign official divorce documents in crayon to show folks you’re “still young at heart”

Urinate out the window, at IRS headquarters

Up and go “trampoline trespassing” after downing a jug of Pinot Grigio

Listen—no, really listen—to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Starlight Express

Marry your high school sweetheart. And then tell her.

Hug a hippie

Wear a half-shirt to a bris