My Parents, Enid and Sal, Used to Be Famous Porn Stars

ENID: Yes? May I help you? Why are you knocking on my front door?

CHUCK: Ma’am, I work as a roof repairman. I just turned nineteen and I’m in terrific shape. It’s really hot out here and I am very thirsty. I’m also quite hungry. My appetites are insatiable.

ENID: A roof repairman, huh? Do you have any references?

CHUCK: No, but I am very lonely.

ENID: No references!

CHUCK: No, Ma’am.

ENID: Can you fix gutters?

CHUCK: I can fix anything.

ENID: Hmm, that’s a good skill. What are your rates?

CHUCK: Ma’am, if you’d just let me into the house, I think you’d be plenty pleased. . . .

ENID: I wouldn’t be so sure of that. I’ve had bad experiences with handymen in the past. Sloppy work.

CHUCK: Nothing sloppy about me. Here, let me take off my shirt. And my pants.

ENID: You’re just wasting my time. Send me an estimate and I’ll think about it. Maybe in the fall.

CHUCK: But . . .

SAL (from the family room): Close the goddam door already! The blasted air-conditioning!

—From “Let’s Face It, the Roof Didn’t Need Fixing Anyway,” 1999.

NURSE CHERRY: So what seems to be the problem today?

SAL: Just an annual checkup.

NURSE CHERRY: The doctor will be here any minute. In the meantime, is there anything that I can help you with? I’m a very talented nurse.

SAL: I’d rather wait for the doctor.

NURSE CHERRY: Are you sure?

SAL: Yes.

NURSE CHERRY (seductively): Are you positive?

SAL: Yes. But let me tell you what I do want.

NURSE CHERRY (less seductively): O.K.

SAL: I’d like for you to put on some socks. Your feet are filthy. Do you usually walk around barefoot? And then I’d like for you to check the supply closet for any extra samples of Advil. I always like to carry a few with me. Just a handful. No rush, honey, take your time.

—From “Office Like a Damn Freezer!,” 2000.

SAL: Let me just put on my glasses….Can’t quite figure out how this works….Where’s the “On” button? … If my son were here, he’d know…. Electronics aren’t really my specialty….Instructions would really help…. Still can’t find the “On” button….

—From “At the Orgy,” 2003.

ENID: Now, let’s see . . . what do I need here. . . .

BO: Hello there!

ENID: Hello.

BO: I see you’re shopping for nuts.

ENID: So?

BO: Do you like nuts?

ENID: Yes.

BO: How about buns?

ENID: Sure, nuts and buns.

BO: Would you like to see my nuts and buns?

ENID: No, thank you, I have my own nuts and buns.

BO: I think you’ll like mine a whole lot better.

ENID: Do you work here in the grocery?

BO: Yes, my name is Bo. And I am in charge of the nuts and buns.

ENID: Like I said, Bo, I have my own nuts and buns. But I am curious about something: I noticed that the whole-grain hamburger rolls were listed as on sale in the newspaper, but they’re still regular price on the shelves. The difference is sixty-five cents, which may not be a lot for you, but it is for me. Here, come along and I’ll show you. Perhaps we can solve this problem together?”

BO: You don’t want to see my nuts?

ENID: No, thank you. But I simply love your cutoff shorts. Adorable! Did you fashion them yourself, Bo?

—From “Double Coupon Day,” 2004.

SAL: Blasted map!

ENID: Pull over and ask that hitchhiker for directions.

SAL: Where?

ENID: Over there. See her? The young woman in the bikini? She’s holding a cardboard sign that reads, “Looking for a 3-Way!”

SAL: What the hell does that mean?

ENID: It’s probably the slang.

SAL: Whatever it means, she probably has no idea where Route 116 is. Forget it. Why ask for trouble?

—From “I Mean, Really, Why Ask for Trouble?,” 2009.