Geoff Sarkin is Using Twitter!

(Co-written with Scott Rothman. Originally appeared in The New Yorker, April 12 2010)

  • Fixing bowtie. Last moment of freedom! Putting out cig, making sure breath doesn’t smell . . . Ok! Let’s get married!
  • Walking down aisle. Stopping. Family and friends waiting for me to finish update. Patience, people! And . . . done.
  • Yes! Yes, I DO take Helen to be my lawfully-wedded wife! Rabbi, please respond when you receive this Tweet.
  • Also, confirm that it’s wedded with two d’s.
  • Two d’s right? Thought so. And we’re good to go? Oh, yes, the kiss! LOL
  • Still LOLing.
  • Helen not laughing, maybe she will in a sec—
  • No, still not laughing.
  • Kiss is wonderful. Better than expected!
  • Attempting to fist-bump rabbi. He’s nodding NO. Not cool! Now what? Anyone know where the receiving line is?
  • For those of you at the end of the line, yes it’s really boring, I know! Redskins are losing, by the way. BIG surprise.
  • Ending receiving line early. To everyone still waiting: THANK YOU FOR TRYING. Send your good wishes to geoff.sarkin8@gmail.com
  • Attaching photo of Aunt Bess looking into camera-phone telling me to put down camera-phone. Not a bad shot, if I say so myself.
  • At reception now. Someone do me a kindness? Google “Wedding Dance + Instructions + ‘Always on My Mind.’” Thx.
  • Uncle Bob from Australia came! Can’t believe he flew 22 hours for this! Just after triple-bypass!
  • Uncle Bob trying to talk to me. Sending u email, Uncle. Kind of busy now, obviously
  • Can’t see b/c Helen just smashed wedding cake in my face. Now have cake all over Iphone.
  • Not funny baby. Can’t seem to use the exclamation point now
  • Now I can!!!!!!!!!!
  • Guests starting to leave. Check Facebook when you get home, people. Might just be a virtual bouquet of flowers waiting.
  • A little mass-email to say, “I love u all, even if I did forget some of your names”
  • Checking in at hotel. It’s ok, not great. Just kidding! It rocks! Good Iphone reception. Walking to room. Redskins lost, btw. SUCKS.
  • Alone at last! Luckily Cowboys also lost! Watching video of our first wedding dance—see http://bit.ly/1hR8s. Helen looks ravishing!
  • Thanks, Max, for taking over while I shot video!
  • Geoff Sarkin will be out of office until 4/27. On his honeymoon & not to be disturbed! Someone at work please post this on system tomorrow?
  • BTW, how did Beth in marketing do on her run last weekend? And what was flavor of the Friday donut?
  • Need to know ASAP! Don’t care what time of night it is!!!!!!!!!
  • Nude and waiting for wife to enter bed
  • Anyone see the repeat of Law & Order last night?
  • The new Lady Gaga video is crazy scary!
  • Would u rather be an elephant or a giraffe? I’d rather be a giraffe. Not sure why. They seem happy. Must be the size of the neck . . .
  • Wife getting into bed.
  • Oral sex has commenced. Taking off dress sock . . . and now the other . . . Oral sex has commenced again.
  • Helen seems to be enjoying self. Anyone out there have any oral sex stories they care to share? They’re usually pretty funny
  • Making love now. Check out this amazing article on the guy who invented wonton soup http://tinyurl.com/yftcny6
  • What’s that part called again? Aireola? Eereola? Areola?
  • DAMN! JUST MY LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! I love double chocolate donuts! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! SAVE ONE!!!!!!!
  • Before I forget . . . Marnie, can you check to see if my computer is off?
  • @ MarnieAlwysTired Because I like to “think green” that’s why! Jeez, Marnie. Shout out to the environment, hey ya! What! What!
  • Still love-making
  • No change since last update.
  • Helen orgasming. I’m changing Facebook status to “Married.”
  • Helen still going. Sending in-laws Facebook “poke.” Important to maintain good relations
  • Ceiling shadows look like sea creatures! I take it back. Don’t want to be giraffe. Def want to be sea creature! Cos they swim so fast?
  • Helen finished and off to bathroom
  • Finishing my orgasm now
  • Think I might hit the hay. Exhausted! Will check back in at 3 am everyone! Still thinking of Lady Gaga and sea creatures. What a day.
  • It IS Areola! Thought so. Thanks, Dad. Is it too soon to call you “dad”?
  • Uh oh. Having 2nd thoughts about marriage. Ha. JOKING! This is the best!
  • Nighty night everyone! Tweet y’all REAL soon . . .
  • Taking off bow tie now.