Community College Buddha Master

Week Five: “Fire & Ice” ME: Master, how does one find the strength within himself to find true love? MY MASTER: By being one with the world that is without himself. ME: How so? MY MASTER: When fire meets ice, what prevails? ME: Ice. MY MASTER: Yet in dying, does not the ice in the fire also die? ME: Um . . […]

Everyday Tantric-Sex Positions

This Position is Called . . . “Grocery Shopping” “Time is of the essence and many errands must still be accomplished, and yet you wish for nothing more than to spend some quality love-making time with your partner. With this in mind, disrobe. Travel to a favorite grocery store, you may take a cab. The […]

Short Monologues for the Struggling Actor

1. “The Workhorse” The character of Trish, 28, has just learned that she’ll have to work over Christmas break, even though she specifically told Randy, the assistant manager at The Red Lobster, that she was headed down to Delaware to visit her parents. TRISH: “Don’t you get it? It’s not just about this, Randy! It’s about […]

Krazy Kris!

January 1 Me: “Listen, can’t we talk about this some other time?” Jen: “Some other time when? Our finances are a disaster! If we don’t take care of this situation now, we’re going to have to take out a second mortgage. So when do you plan—” Krazy Kris: “Did someone say mortgage? That reminds me of a joke. […]

Happiness Is . . .

. . . head-to-toe in latex and two free hours in “the coffin.” . . . regaining consciousness in a tricked-out van on I-95 and meeting your “internet friend” for the very first time. . . . the smoky Bar-B-Q aroma of “Dipsy Doodles” in a packed elevator. . . . hot-tubbing with your homeboys, […]

Things a Man Should Never Do Past the Age of 30

“Pimp out” a work cubicle. Own a strobe light. Take the lead in a bunny hop. Wear a belt-buckle in the shape of a state. Program a cell phone to ring out stadium anthems. Purchase gag condoms in bulk. Refer to your testicles as “Chang and Eng.” Wear flip-flops on public transportation. Attend jam-band festivals, […]

Remember When? A Collection of 1980s References Without Context or Meaning

Marc Patel, in the back of the van, talking in a fake slur. Cyndi Lauper is playing on the van’s radio. “Should I send Anthony that bar of chocolate as a joke?” he asks. We nod and stare out the van’s windows. Two lesbian long-haul truckers shooting dice to determine who will unload the truck. […]

My Family Home Movie (Starring Janeane Garofalo)

Backstory: In July of 2001, I invited Janeane Garofalo to appear in my family’s home movie. Although offered very little money, she accepted readily, save for three conditions: That we were to call her by her real name; that we were to receive no outside funding from a major studio; and that she was to […]

Personalized Stories for Adults

We wish to congratulate you, ANTHONY MITCHELL, on your recent purchase of PERSONALIZED STORIES FOR ADULTS. Enclosed is Chapter 1. The rest of the chapters will be sent upon receipt of the appropriately filled-in forms (typewritten please!) and the corresponding monthly installments (checks made payable to YOUR-NAME-HERE ENTERPRISES). Thank you for your interest in our product. Now sit […]