My Parents, Enid and Sal, Used to Be Famous Porn Stars
ENID: Yes? May I help you? Why are you knocking on my front door? CHUCK: Ma’am, I work as a roof repairman. I just turned nineteen and I’m in terrific shape. It’s really hot out here and I am very thirsty. I’m also quite hungry. My appetites are insatiable. ENID: A roof repairman, huh? Do you have any […]
A Sixteenth-Century Shakespearean Actor Suffers a Meltdown at London’s Globe Theatre
“Why are you walking right through? What is it with you? … Do you understand my mind is not in the scene if you’re doing that? Do you want me to go and trash your lights? Do you want me to go and trash them?…Then why are you trashing my scene?”—Christian Bale, on the set […]
Jimmy Jam Johnson, the Classic-Rock DJ Sufferin’ a Nervous Breakdown!
5:45 AM “That was Boston, ‘More Than a Feeling.’ Fun fact: they say that Tom Scholz, the creative force behind Boston, took anywhere from five to six months just to record one guitar lick. You want to hear another interesting fact? I hear that goddamn song one more time I’m gonna do something I might […]
119 Ways to Survive a Recession
#1. Maybe it’s time to put that dig ol’ bick to use? #2. Move into an unfinished basement in one of the McCain houses #3. Impregnate the shit out of Jamie Lynn #4. Instead of Mariah playing birthday party, get Whitney #5. Have sex with Maria Bartiromo; listen closely to the secrets she mumbles in the dead of night #6. Type […]
When Making Love to Me: What Every Woman Needs to Know
#1. First of all, welcome. Thank you for coming over. I’d appreciate it if you did not turn off the metronome, it’s there for a purpose. Same with the strobe-lights. #2. See? #3. Feel free to role-play any scene from any movie—I’m quite partial to disaster movies, but I have a very open mind. #4. Warning: If I faint […]
Signs Your College is Not Very Prestigious
#1. Your mascot is a tiger in a wheelchair #2. Most famous alma-mater: the inventor of the “cheese inside the crust” pizza #3. Your fight song is Foreigner’s “I Want to Know What Love Is” #4. Diplomas written with crayon on the back of used Hamburger Hamlet placemats #5. Tenured professors identifiable by teardrop tattoo #6. Statue of university founder is […]
Rules for My Cuddle Party
1. Please do not give birth in the hot tub. The only reason I say as much is because at my last cuddle party, a woman gave “natural” birth to a set of twins in the hot tub. 2. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use my grandmother’s hand-knitted pillows as an impromptu sex swing. I only […]
Great Works of Literature as Text Messages
Bootleg Mike’s “Forgotten Boots”
JACKSON BENNECK, “Welcome to My Paisley Reality” (1972) – An absolutely AWESOME album by one of the lead harmonica players from Ireland’s Toot Toot Tootlers. (They were supposed to perform at Woodstock, but they weren’t asked. Sha Na Na performed instead.) It’s crazy, far-out, psychedelic harmonica, but really well done. Standout: “Little Old Ladies with Painted […]
147 Signs You’re in the Wrong Relationship
#1. Instead of kissing you, she sniffs your genitals #2. After six months together, you still only know him as “071782” #3. You’re stuck permanently in “fight or flight” mode #4. You finish each other’s silences #5. Maury Povich’s people keep wooing you with gift baskets #6. She’s started couples counseling, with another man #7. That big line of duct tape down […]
