Occupy the North Pole: Stand Athwart the Jolly One Percent!
I did everything a diminutive mythical creature was supposed to do. I grew up in a suburban forest in a modest but clean two-limb tree. I was raised by my mother, a wood sprite and former model for the original D&D board game, and by my father, a Keebler clock-puncher for more than 30 years […]
It Is Party Time at Club Seacrets!
Wow! I love me some Kanye West! All right, ladies and gentlemen, right about now, I need all of you on the dance floor. I know every single one of you has a booty, which means every single one of you has got something you can shake. Come on now, there must be two hundred of you […]
Memorable Senior Pranks
Hey, high school seniors—it’s that time of the year to pull off one final prank before you graduate! Here are a few classics that will produce lasting memories: Toilet Paper: Show up at your least favorite teacher’s house with ten rolls of toilet paper. Wrap the paper around trees, the mailbox, and the house itself. […]
Things a Man MUST Do Before the Age of 30!
Eat a super-sized Mexican meal in an airport food court—black beans, saffron rice, dollop of sour cream, pineapple-flavored soda—just before smuggling 40 wax-coated balls of hashish in your tummy on that 22 hour trip to Bangladesh. Insist on a raise. And then a job. Show up at your high school principal’s retirement condo and pinch […]
WHERE’S SKITTLES?!!!
4:07 PM Incoming Text From SITTER Hi it’s Becky! Hope you two are loving yr holiday getaway to Barbados! Things r good w Avery. No emergency, less you consider a missing stuffed panda an emergency LOL. “Where’s skittles?” she keeps asking. Adorbs. Just checking in. ENJOY!!! – – 5:09 PM Incoming Text From SITTER Hi […]
Dear Family and Estate of John Updike
Dear Family and Estate of John Updike: I am a writer named Rhon Penny (silent h) and I am no longer married. I am writing to you today, the legal custodian(s) of the complete works of John Updike, because I am seeking advice on how to take my (and John’s) career to the next level—the […]
Famous Philosophers and How They Were First Discovered
Anselm of Canterbury Full-page promotional ad in local paper paid for by his parents. Text written by his aunt, a professional writer of sorts; she once penned an unpublished romance novel. Bernard of Clairvaux Fucks like the wind. Loves like a dream. Aristotle Knew someone, who knew someone else, who knew the secrets […]
Geoff Sarkin is Using Twitter!
Fixing bowtie. Last moment of freedom! Putting out cig, making sure breath doesn’t smell . . . Ok! Let’s get married! Walking down aisle. Stopping. Family and friends waiting for me to finish update. Patience, people! And . . . done. Yes! Yes, I DO take Helen to be my lawfully-wedded wife! Rabbi, please respond […]
Dear Mr. Don DeLillo
Dear Mr. Don DeLillo: Thank you for taking the time to open this envelope. As you are no doubt aware from having read my last three letters, time, the very whitest of white noises, is of the essence. A quick reminder: I am a writer named Rhon Penny (silent h) and I am no longer […]
Dear Mr. Thomas Pynchon
Dear Mister Thomas Pynchon: Thank you for taking the time to open this envelope and read what is contained herein. I know that you, like me, are a very busy and serious man, so I don’t intend to waste our times. I will have you know that while I am a fan of your work, […]
