I Was the Wedding Planner for the Guns N’ Roses “November Rain” Ceremony and Reception
Oral Deposition Testimony, Sierra Madre Wedding Centre vs Mike Sacks, Feb 4, 1993 PLAINTIFF: Please spell your name and list your occupation. DEFENDANT: Mike Sacks. M-I-K-E S-A-C-K-S. Wedding planner. PLAINTIFF: And how long have you worked as a wedding planner? DEFENDANT: Since May. This was my first wedding. PLAINTIFF: Were you familiar with the rock […]
How We’re Beating the Heat
Misting ourselves incessantly until we develop a gelatinous outer layer of cooling algae. Boozy adult milkshakes on sloping rooftops. Converting the hot-zone suit into a kicky little romper. Chilled one-dollar Gowanus oysters. Skinny-dipping at the T.W.A. Hotel pool. Temporarily shutting down thousands of heat-producing bitcoin-mining operations—investors won’t mind. Checking into an Airbnb on that chunk […]
Wednesday, 1:35 P.M. (Excerpt from Slouchers)
Wednesday, 1:35 P.M. “Let’s take it from the top,” announces Toody, stroking his soul patch. It is in the shape of a perfectly-formed question mark—Toody thinks it signifies his philosophy pretty damn well. He might as well look good while barely existing, right? As if to prove this point, Toody is wearing his special black […]
Netflix Documentaries We Watched While Under Quarantine
“Unlikely Animal Friends with Benefits” “‘He Also Tipped Reasonably Well’: Wringing the Last Feel-Good Drops Out of Mr. Rogers” “Aging Men with Ponytails Speak Rhapsodically About Some Dead Session Drummer” “Robert Durst: The Untold Belches” “You’re Smart for Hating That Politician: An Algorithmically Generated Confirmation-Bias Documentary” “The Adult Clown Whose Dad Was Somehow the Creepy […]
Date Ideas for a Post-Quarantine World
Mush your sourdough starters together. A drone tour of the Epcot Center’s Italy Pavilion. A sensual third-date unmasking. Share an order of mozzarella sticks after first sterilizing them in an autoclave. Get sweet little tattoos of each other’s covid-19 immunocertification bar codes. An orgy, but within “human hamster” bubble balls. Be first in line at […]
Events We Are Actually Glad Were Cancelled
Insufferably Hot, Shadeless Outdoor SushiFest 2020 Hologram Tupac Seduces Your Date Trump Dropping His Tax-Return Envelope Into a Post-Office Box at 11:55 p.m. on April 14th Through His Limo Window and Giving a Thumbs-Up The Boston Symphony Orchestra Plays the Throat Noises of Rudy Giuliani Nathan’s Hot-Dog-Processing Contest Mario Lopez’s Acceptance Speech at the 2020 […]
Saw You On the Q Train
Saw you on the Q train, late afternoon, March 7. You were wearing a red dress, carrying a black purse. Departed at Broadway. Too shy to say hi. Respond here? Never done this before. Am responding. Now what? Black Purse. New for me as well. Tell me about yourself. Q Train. Interests: Movies, jogging, gardening. […]
Introducing Yelp for Sex Positions
Doggy-Style good for seniors: Not even a little noise level: Loud (like turning lights on in a kennel) attire: Whatever. Can’t see the other person, anyway. wheelchair accessible: …Maybe? Reviewer: Teddy T. This position is “okay.” People used to rave about this position as one of the classiest around, and I’m kinda confused as to WHY? To me it’s just […]
Ikea Instructions
Like It or Unfriend It
