Humor Articles
I Was the Wedding Planner for the Guns N’ Roses “November Rain” Ceremony and Reception
Originally appeared in McSweeney's on June 6, 2024
Originally appeared in The New Yorker, July 2021
Wednesday, 1:35 P.M. (Excerpt from Slouchers)
Originally appeared on McSweeney's
Netflix Documentaries We Watched While Under Quarantine
Originally appeared in New Yorker, April 2020
Date Ideas for a Post-Quarantine World
Originally appeared in New Yorker, June 2020
Events We Are Actually Glad Were Cancelled
Originally appeared in New Yorker, May 2020
Originally appeared in Esquire, February 2003
Introducing Yelp for Sex Positions
Originally appeared on GQ, October 2014
Originally appeared in Esquire, June 2006
Originally appeared in The New York Times, July 3, 2011
Originally appeared in Esquire, June 2011
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, January 26, 2006
The Donald Trump Presidential Library
Originally appeared in Vanity Fair, December 2015
Jennifer Benson’s UFO Abductee Blog
Originally appeared on McSweeney's. Written with Bob Powers
Justin Bieber’s Life for the Next 35 Years!
Originally appeared on GQ.com, February 2014
Originally appeared in The New Yorker, August 2012
2012 Summer Music Festival Guide!
Originally appeared on Funny or Die's The Occasional, June 2012
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, March 2012
Occupy the North Pole: Stand Athwart the Jolly One Percent!
Originally appeared on Vanityfair.com, December 19, 2011
It Is Party Time at Club Seacrets!
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, June 28, 2011
Originally appeared on VanityFair.com, May 30, 2011
Things a Man MUST Do Before the Age of 30!
Originally appeared on McSweeney's. Written with Ted Travelstead
Co-written with Bob Powers. Originally appeared on McSweeney's, March 1, 2011
Dear Family and Estate of John Updike
Originally appeared on Barnesandnoble.com, May 3, 2010
Famous Philosophers and How They Were First Discovered
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, May 3, 2010
Geoff Sarkin is Using Twitter!
Co-written with Scott Rothman. Originally appeared in The New Yorker, April 12, 2010
Co-written with Scott Rothman. Originally appeared on Barnesandnoble.com, March 9, 2010
Co-written with Scott Rothman. Originally appeared on Barnesandnoble.com, February 10, 2010
My Parents, Enid and Sal, Used to Be Famous Porn Stars
Originally appeared in The New Yorker, November 30, 2009
A Sixteenth-Century Shakespearean Actor Suffers a Meltdown at London’s Globe Theatre
Originally appeared on The New Yorker, February 17, 2009
Jimmy Jam Johnson, the Classic-Rock DJ Sufferin’ a Nervous Breakdown!
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, December 2, 2008
119 Ways to Survive a Recession
Originally written for Radar, October 2008
When Making Love to Me: What Every Woman Needs to Know
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, October 16, 2008
Signs Your College is Not Very Prestigious
Originally appeared in Radar, September 2008
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, September 18, 2007
Great Works of Literature as Text Messages
Originally appeared in Esquire, June 2008
Bootleg Mike’s “Forgotten Boots”
Originally appeared in Vice, May 2012
147 Signs You’re in the Wrong Relationship
Originally appeared in Radar, April 2008
Physical-Therapy Exercises for Other Injurious Situations
Originally appeared in Esquire, February 2008
109 Things Not to Say at a Job Interview
Originally appeared in Radar, February 2008
Originally appeared in Radar, May 2008
130 Secret-Santa Gifts to Avoid
Originally appeared in Radar, December 2007
102 Self-Help Books You Can Do Without
Originally appeared in Radar, October 2007
Originally appeared in Radar, October 2007
142 Reasons You’re Still Single
Originally appeared in Radar, September 2007
Funny Letters from Summer Camp and Their Not-So-Funny Responses
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, August 7, 2007
The Top 10 Best Sellers of 2027
Originally appeared in Time, March 26, 2007
Originally appeared in Time
Originally appeared in Esquire, April 2007
Originally appeared in Time, January 22, 2006
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, February 14, 2007
A Leaflet Dropped Over Amy Weller’s House
Originally appeared in The New Yorker, May 17, 2004
Originally appeared in Opium Print #3, September 2006. Written with Ted Travelstead. Illustrated by Julian Sancton.
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, January 14, 2005
Written with Ted Travelstead. Originally appeared on McSweeney's, December 7, 2006
Originally appeared in Esquire, May 17, 2005. Written with Ted Travelstead.
Originally appeared in Esquire, July 1, 2006. Written with Ted Travelstead.
Have You Heard The One About President Bush?
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, October 4, 2004
These lists appeared on either McSweeney's or in Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists, Vintage
Originally appeared on Eyeshot, March 14, 2005
The Three Laws of Robotics According to Isaac Asimov, Plus Twenty-Four According to Me
Originally appeared on Sweet Fancy Moses, November 1, 2000
74 Things That Aren’t “Better Than Nothing”
Originally appeared in Esquire, May 8, 2006. Written with Ted Travelstead.
Originally appeared in Esquire
Game Show Catchphrases That Never Quite Caught On
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, June 6, 2006
Today’s Most Funniest Movie Bloopers
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, November 8, 1999
THE ZAPRUDER FILM: THE NOVELIZATION
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, February 9, 2000
Loved the Following Jokes And Thought You’d Love Them As Well! Pass Them On!
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, December 13, 2001
Community College Buddha Master
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, June 9, 2004
Everyday Tantric-Sex Positions
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, January 30, 2004
Short Monologues for the Struggling Actor
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, July 13, 2004
Originally appeared on Opium, August 17, 2002
Things a Man Should Never Do Past the Age of 30
Originally appeared in Esquire, May 17, 2005
Remember When? A Collection of 1980s References Without Context or Meaning
Originally appeared on McSweeney's, January 16, 2001
Originally appeared on Yankee Pot Roast, November 14, 2005
My Family Home Movie (Starring Janeane Garofalo)
Originally appeared on The Freedonian, July 10, 2001
Personalized Stories for Adults
Originally appeared on The Freedonian, April 27, 2000
HI, EVERYBODY!!! A Paid Advertisement from Your Good Friend “Wild Child Tony”
Originally appeared on The Freedonian, May 7, 2001
Originally appeared on The Freedonian, August 21, 2002
Scared Straight: The Home Detention Speech
Originally appeared on The Freedonian, April 17, 2001
Originally appeared on The Freedonian, February 5, 2003
Today, June 17th, is “You Day”! Do Something Utterly Self-Indulgent (“Just For You!”)
Originally appeared on Sweet Fancy Moses, September 3 2002
Originally appeared in MAD, March 1997
ROBIN WILLIAMS: Improvising For His Life
Originally appeared on Sweet Fancy Moses, February 5, 2003
