#1. Maybe it’s time to put that dig ol’ bick to use?
#2. Move into an unfinished basement in one of the McCain houses
#3. Impregnate the shit out of Jamie Lynn
#4. Instead of Mariah playing birthday party, get Whitney
#5. Have sex with Maria Bartiromo; listen closely to the secrets she mumbles in the dead of night
#6. Type “NEEDIN’ MONEY REAL BAD” on the “What Are You Doing Right Now?” post on Facebook
#7. Open up that Christmas-themed store you’ve had your eye on since they announced their “Going Out of Business” sale in 1998
#8. No longer allow your helper-monkey to collect overtime pay
#9. Adopt a thick German accent, dye your hair red, slip on some Woody Allen glasses, and then pretend your last name is Rockefeller
#10. Finish winterizing that cardboard box
#11. Invest in a safer stock market than ours–perhaps in Guyana, Ethiopia or The Republic of Georgia
#12. Finally sell off all those pristine, still-in-the-box Love Guru toys
#13. From now on: Fake gold on the heads of your ironic pimp canes
#14. Collect the $200 that Puck from Real World San Francisco borrowed from you back in ’94
#15. Take over for Aiken in Spamalot
#16. Stop taking all those fancy designer drugs when the regular kind do the trick just as well
#17. Storm into the closest government office and demand a $700 billion bailout
#18. Make your own Sour Cream & Onion Pringles
#19. Scale back three-week vacation at Minneapolis Hard Rock Café
#20. Eat from neighbors’ garbage instead of from pricey restaurant garbage
#21. Outsource family to Bangladesh
#22. Wait until the latest M. Night Shyamalan blockbuster comes out on DVD and then ignore it at that point, also
#23. Notify sponsored African child that you’ll be needing your rice rations back, and real soon
#24. Hold off on second pec implant
#25. Find out if there are free online alternatives to magazine pornography
#26. Ask gym if they give discounts to people pointing a gun in their face
#27. Consider redeeming $325 million Powerball ticket
#28. Get free babysitting from visibly aroused man you found near playground
#29. Swap paper books and newspapers for total cultural ignorance
#30. Use spreadsheet to track exactly how much money is going to what orifice on which prostitute
#31. Snatch the fish from the dolphin trainer’s hand
#32. Don’t wash clothes until someone slaps a biohazard label on you
#33. Ask kids to point to the pet that should be euthanized
#34. Only buy from the discounted medical-supplies’ rack at the dollar store
#35. Remember that Spam makes a great meal, as well as a perfect Sweet 16 gift
#36. Obtain more affordable medical care with Mexican doctor/chicken gutter
#37. Go food shopping only to purchase necessities or to fill existential void
#38. Stop taking “must-see” movie so literally
#39. Find a coke dealer that accepts coupons
#40. Sell urine to trappers
#41. Flush toilet only when ordered to by EPA
#42. Save your sole, go barefoot!
#43. Invest heavily in drunk brother-in-law’s start-up alpaca farm
#44. Get every other finger manicured
#45. Extract decaying wisdom teeth at home with well-placed roundhouse punches
#46. Save on condom bills by ejaculating out the window
#47. Only shop at Ikea. Wait until furniture falls apart in a month. Only shop at Ikea. Repeat.
#48. Save electricity by using non-electric lung
#49. Ask Scientology recruiter if Xenu will contribute to health insurance
#50. Try drawing a better life with a purple crayon like that Harold kid
#51. Stop shampooing dog in Dom Perignon
#52. Put down life savings on horse only if some guy tells you it’s a sure thing
#53. Ask exiled Nigerian treasury minister if he’ll accept an IOU
#54. Remember, it’s not panhandling if you’re wearing a smart tie
#55. Ask yourself if you really need to live in such an exclusive tornado-ravaged trailer park
#56. As a Trump University alumnus, surely you’re recession-proof, right?
#57. Throw your own Burning Man festival
#58. Find a whore who accepts Medicaid
#59. Only purchase items using cash or in exchange for degrading jig
#60. Rent out your basement to that guy who sleeps in the park and calls himself “Blades”
#61. Move home and live rent-free with your 98-year-old parents and their nursing staff
#62. Make your own porn instead of buying it
#63. Put off those Krump-dancing lessons at the YMCA for a spell
#64. Get into this “cocaine business” you’ve been hearing so much about
#65. Barter feathers and shiny pebbles at your local Gap, Best Buy, and Sam’s Club
#66. Don’t panic and sell your property on the moon—it’s only going to gain in value
#67. Put your dream of being a short-order fry cook on hold, and get a real job
#68. Re-use plastic grocery bags for slippers
#69. Only tip bathroom attendants after making a “number two”
#70. Patent some of your fantastic money-making ideas. For instance, the edible wig.
#71. Start a religion based on a science fiction book, then get super rich celebrities and average morons to join
#72. Develop a process to extract the silver lining from clouds
#73. Limit Franklin Mint’s Gone with the Wind figurine purchases to three a week
#74. Save money by only indulging your diaper fetish on holidays and special occasions
#75. Train your dog to rob banks
#76. Move to a South American jail, where the dollar goes much further
#77. Internet too expensive? What’s wrong with a C.B. Radio, good buddy?
#78. Get your ass on Deal Or No Deal? and right quick
#79. Buy two thousand weekly lottery tickets instead of just one
#80. Escape into a magical winter wonderland imagined by Thomas Kinkade
#81. Drop your pricey insurance plan and receive medical care from that “doctor” who practices on the F train
#82. Buy all the stock you can get your hands on from the makers of Wild Irish Rose wine
#83. Hide all your money and assets in the folds of your skin
#84. Masturbate to fantasies that don’t involve expensive dinners or nights out on the town
#85. When chewing pencil, swallow and digest
#86. Solar power your daughter’s heart monitor
#87. When stealing candy, target smaller children with less prehensile grip strength
#88. Switch to scratch ticket brand with a luckier-sounding name
#89. Sew dollar signs on tuxedo and strut around, actin’ all rich and shit
#90. Refinance your mafia loans
#91. Junk food leads to diabetes, which leads to amputated limbs, which add up to beaucoup weight loss
#92. Eschew costly computers; write business letters with cut-out words from magazines
#93. Refill color inkjet cartridges with your spit after eating Skittles
#94. Have sex in hamster wheel; use lovemaking energy to charge fridge
#95. Sneak up on people in the dark, stab them, use their money to pay bills
#96. Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal . . . really so crazy?
#97. Guess you’ll have to stop wasting so much money on child support
#98. Learn some Bob Marley tunes and busk, busk, busk
#99. Gas oven suicides run up utility bills. Try rope.
#100. Be a lonely hermit beholden to and financially responsible for no one
#101. Forget expensive penis pills; a Taser to the junk swells ‘er up just fine
#102. Guess now you have no choice but to download music without paying
#103. Collect feral cats; hope for a run on the feral cat market
#104. Consider second career as dyed-green, garbage-dwelling Grouch
#105. Maybe you can’t afford to be a wino — try being a rummy or a gin hound
#106. No one ever went broke preying on lonely old widowers
#107. Apply to be a Gypsy
#108. Eat dirt. It’s that effing simple.
#109. No man is poor who has two kidneys
#110. Invite vandals into your home; hope for a run on graffiti art
#111. Run on treadmill, punch the air, scream “Yeah, baby!” all while watching Fox Business News
#112. Play the gee-tar on the MTV. That ain’t workin’, that’s the way you do it.
#113. That tip jar’s just sitting there. Just sayin’.
#114. Watch the MC Hammer “Behind The Music” — try not to do that
#115. Pan sorority girl blood for Goldschlager flakes
#116. Grow giant bazoomers; marry rich old dude; shrink bazoomers; joke’s on you, old dude!
#117. Notary license = license to print money
#118. One stripper pole in your crib is okay; two is pushing it
#119. Save yourself the time and effort and just fuck yourself up the ass, because, buddy, you are screwed
–With Scott Jacobson, Todd Levin, Jason Roeder, and Ted Travelstead
